face to face with terror

The doctors had told me, the movies show an aspect of it, there are many different ways that it can appear. PTSD comes at you like a slap on the face from your mom. What the fuck was that????
As I told you before; I work as a systems administrator for a company that makes jeans. I work as a troubleshooter on site in a big ass building with a lot of noise. I love that. A couple days ago as I was leaving work, I felt horrible, my skin felt cold to the touch and I started to shake, my mouth was dry, I felt weak and my knees were about to give up on me. I felt like I was going to pass out, I NEVER felt this way, I wanted to run and get away from something, I didn't know what. The other times I have felt depression coming, it felt like a big scorpion waiting behind the horizon showing me the faces of friends I left in Iraq. Depression is a completely different monster, it just sits there waiting for a memory, a song, a word, a smell, anything and explodes making you feel like dog shit for weeks. Or it just builds up just like an orgasm gone wrong. My wife and children say that my mood swings are very drastic. But I am not violent, I get mad until something makes me smile, it could be a second or or three days. A naked wife always brings my spirits up.
Yesterday I had the same feeling but not as bad. I asked my wife to just listen when I told her what was going on and then it occurred to me that it was the building. I work inside a factory and I don't see the light of day until I get off work in the late afternoon . That day I felt panic of being outside, I knew where I was but I felt like I was in a war zone. I felt naked because I didn't have a weapon nor my protective vest and gear. I had a panic attack. I have never felt that before, it was my first time where I wanted to run. I remember a couple times where I was already leaning forward at the waist trying to kiss my ass goodbye because we thought that our numbers were up but somehow we were able to get out of there in one piece. I NEVER FELT that way before, not even in Iraq, but for a few seconds my brain took me back to Baqubah and my body felt unprotected. I took a deep breath and sat in the car for a few minutes. and as fast as it came, it was gone. I felt alive but for the first time I didn't want to listen to the radio, I just wanted to listen to the city as it goes home for the night, without explosions and shootings and people screaming because a family member was dead.

Good night everybody, tomorrow I will win the lottery!!!!!