face to face with terror

The doctors had told me, the movies show an aspect of it, there are many different ways that it can appear. PTSD comes at you like a slap on the face from your mom. What the fuck was that????
As I told you before; I work as a systems administrator for a company that makes jeans. I work as a troubleshooter on site in a big ass building with a lot of noise. I love that. A couple days ago as I was leaving work, I felt horrible, my skin felt cold to the touch and I started to shake, my mouth was dry, I felt weak and my knees were about to give up on me. I felt like I was going to pass out, I NEVER felt this way, I wanted to run and get away from something, I didn't know what. The other times I have felt depression coming, it felt like a big scorpion waiting behind the horizon showing me the faces of friends I left in Iraq. Depression is a completely different monster, it just sits there waiting for a memory, a song, a word, a smell, anything and explodes making you feel like dog shit for weeks. Or it just builds up just like an orgasm gone wrong. My wife and children say that my mood swings are very drastic. But I am not violent, I get mad until something makes me smile, it could be a second or or three days. A naked wife always brings my spirits up.
Yesterday I had the same feeling but not as bad. I asked my wife to just listen when I told her what was going on and then it occurred to me that it was the building. I work inside a factory and I don't see the light of day until I get off work in the late afternoon . That day I felt panic of being outside, I knew where I was but I felt like I was in a war zone. I felt naked because I didn't have a weapon nor my protective vest and gear. I had a panic attack. I have never felt that before, it was my first time where I wanted to run. I remember a couple times where I was already leaning forward at the waist trying to kiss my ass goodbye because we thought that our numbers were up but somehow we were able to get out of there in one piece. I NEVER FELT that way before, not even in Iraq, but for a few seconds my brain took me back to Baqubah and my body felt unprotected. I took a deep breath and sat in the car for a few minutes. and as fast as it came, it was gone. I felt alive but for the first time I didn't want to listen to the radio, I just wanted to listen to the city as it goes home for the night, without explosions and shootings and people screaming because a family member was dead.

Good night everybody, tomorrow I will win the lottery!!!!!

What a week

It has been a hell of a week; my father is in the hospital, he is very sick but recuperating slowly. I am going to see him this next week and I hope that my little girls can cheer him up a bit. On Tuesday I go to the VA to see if I can get some assistance for some computer courses that I have to take. The very NICE lady tells me that most of the help is for people trying for entry level position, but as I already have the job, there is nothing they can do for me, IN THE PAST there was a program where the VA would send the Veteran back to school, but it was killed by the GOV because they didn't have enough money, the war in Iraq is draining some money out of some programs like that one. As I waited for the paper work I went back to tell her that I was leaving when another employee told me, very rudely, that I was in an unauthorized area and I needed to step back. I didn't tell her anything because her boss jumped in and told her that it was all right. I sent a nasty letter to the VA to make ME feel better. After that I went back to work to find out that the network was down and there was a problem with the SQL server. After 10 hours of work we found out that it was a virus that was killing all communications between computers and the servers. The software that we had was not able to detect it because it was a new virus. I had to go to every computer and clean it, eliminate an application that the virus was using to move from computer to computer and update the antivirus software so the virus would not attack again.
After 500 man hours in three days, we were able to get all the computers going and the boss was happy that we were able to work so fast. The last time this happened it took almost two weeks for the virus to be eliminated. The virus doesn't affect the individual computers at home or at the office, just the server, but it uses the computers to find the server when there is a weak computer somewhere.
On Friday, I came home, had a couple of beers and just tried to relax after a week from hell, to add to that the whole family is sick, so I will be sick next week when I am visiting my parents.

I hope that next week is better..... Remember that any week I don't get shot at, it is a good week.

Strength and Honor, Sgt. Mock.

I am drunk!!!! A friend and I have been drinking for a while. I met Sgt Mock
[http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/11/10/btsc.damon/index.html] on my only day at FOB Gabe in Iraq, right before I went to the JCC in Baqubah to run the jail there. He told me of the raid in Buritz where he was almost killed when he stormed a house and a terrorist shot him hitting his vest which saved his life. I remember him because of his smile, his energy and his name.
I will remember you, Sgt Mock, for the rest of my life and remember that I like my beer cold, any kind of beer. I will see you again and when I do I will introduce you to my dear friends that I left there. I met Arwa Damon at the JCC when the elections were going on last year. I hope she survives the war, she has taken way too many chances, PLEASE be safe!!!!
I am drunk, I am drunk. I miss you Hassan, I miss you Jack, I miss you LT, I miss you Mike, I miss you Mohammed, I miss you Gen. Hassan, I miss you Mustafa, I miss you Cpt.
Just counting the days until I see you all again.
Good night everybody... Good night.

The world is coming to an END!!!!

If I vote for a Republican, the world is going to end in war and the poor are going to die but we will win the war on terrorism. If I vote Democrat the world is going to end and the poor will die while loosing the war against the terrorist.
What should I do?

I am thinking about running for office one day, but are they going to find out about my porno addiction? Because a friend of mine send me a picture of two guys fucking zarqawi the public will think that I support gay rights for terrorists? One day I placed a beer can in a paper only trash can ...... Will I be known as the environmental terrorist by liberals? Or because I voted for Clinton (How I miss those stories of blow jobs in all the newspapers) (If this fucker was able to stay president after the whole world read his cigar story and then the speaker of the house looses his freaking job) I NEED AND ANSWER: IN YOUR OPINION WHO HAS MORE BRAINS; BILL CLINTON OR GW BUSH?
Because I voted for Clinton will I be known by those christian conservatives (Who are neither Christians nor conservatives.. I didn't think that gays were conservatives) as an advocate for smoking with a secretary in the nude while receiving oral sex and running the country? IF EVERYBODY WOULD GET A BLOW JOB , now and then, THIS WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.
I am a Conservative Democrat. I believe that we are so rich as a nation, that we can help EVERYBODY!!!! Us and Them!!!!
By the way there is a movie that I saw last night about the declaration of independence. It is call 1776, it is a musical and it is so GOOD!!!!!
I have to go and shower, maybe think about cigars while I am in there!!!! I hope I have time.

I hope that ALL have a great day

Meme

Meme

I stole this cool meme from April!!!!.




1. What kind of shirt are you wearing?
White, long sleeve.

4. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life?
None.

5. How many kids do you want to have?
I have two girls, that I know will break my heart in the near future.

6. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
YES!!! After so many years you find out that being an adult is hard and you thank them for everything they did for all of us. (And still do for all of us).

7. What name would you want besides the one you have?
None, I love my name.

8. What did you do for your last birthday?
I was getting ready to take a convoy from Kuwait to Iraq.

9. What's your current ringtone on your phone?
An anoying one!!

10. What do you think when you get meme's with missing questions?
I hate them.

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Death Watch. A very lovely lady died last night. She was 98 years old and the best cook ever lived. She lived a great life and saw four of her family members go to war and all four came back!! She died with her family at her side.

12.Where is the furthest place you've ever called to talk to someone?
Iraq

13. Do you like having your hair pulled?
I still have no hair, but my wife hates it.

14. Name something you CANNOT wait to do?
Change Congress!!!!!!
Go to work tomorrow.

15. Last time you saw your dad?
A month ago.

16. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
Nothing…. I have lived a great life, I have loved, I have a great wife and children, I have killed and I will see my friends when I died.
For now I will enjoy the peace that retirement brings.

17. What is your favorite board game?
Scrabble

18. Do you have a pimp name?
Never!!

19. Have you ever talked to Tom (from MySpace)?
I hate that fucker!!!!

20. What's the last thing you ate?
Soup!!!!

21. Favorite month?
July!!!

22. Least favorite month?
Don’t have one

23. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?
I was running low on ammo one day in Iraq and I asked one of my soldiers for some ammo. That was the last time I asked somebody for something that I had to wear.

24. Who's getting on your nerves right now?
My president!!!!

25. Most visited Web page?
Yahoo mail

26. Do you ever sleep in the nude?
Yes, every night!

27. What is the strangest thing you have in your purse or wallet?
A lucky penny.

28. Last person to make you sad?
Myself. Remembering my Iraqi friends and the soldiers that we lost in over there.

29. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing?
Yes.

30. Coke or Pepsi?
Coca-Cola!!! All the fucking way.

31. Do you have a crush?
Yes!!!

32. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week?
Yes

Good day World!!!

Thanks "Darkneuro's House of Musings" for letting me use this without her permission.


1. One book that changed your life - hardest question first.

Illusions by Richard Bach. I found this book in a box full of books that was in the mail room back in 1990 when we were about to attack Iraq the first time. This book has been part of who I am for a long time. I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!!!

2. One Book That You've Read More Than Once.

The History of Pi, The number 3.141592653589.....

3. One Book That You'd Want On A Desert Island.

US Army Survival Manual: FM 21-76 (LOL)
War and Peace!!!! Maybe then I can finish that long ass book.

4. One Book That Made You Laugh.

Forrest Gump!!!!

5. One Book That Made You Cry.

The History of Pi. Why, because it tells of the destruction of scientific discovery by religious nuts.

6. One Book That You Wish You Had Written.

AZTEC!!! by Gary Jennings.

7. One Book You Wish Had Never Been Written.

The BIBLE

8. One Book That You Are Reading Right Now.

In search of Schrodinger's cat.

9. One Book That You Have Been Meaning To Read.

State of Denial.

10. Tag five others that you would like to do this meme.

Just do it!!!!!